Shut Up, Make a Commitment, and Enjoy the Ride

My personal trainer told me not long ago that it’s necessary to shut up, make a commitment, and enjoy the ride.

He’s no simpleton. Darin Starr of Five Starr Physique is a thoughtful guy. So why does he seem to dismiss the inner reality of mindset and attitude and emotions and memories that can get in the way of success?

Isn’t he just another musclehead who doesn’t really think deeply?

Again, no. He’s merely pointing to a bottom line. At the end of the day, regardless of your inner process, if you want the physical results that come from proper diet and exercise, at some point you must actually eat right and exercise.

This is why I like the Fogg Behavioral Model (see TinyHabits.com). Tiny habits pave the way to just do it.

Do you have limiting beliefs that keep you from losing weight?

We are all influenced by educational figures, our environment, and past dietary failures. But all our beliefs can be changed, otherwise we would all vote for the same political party or support the same football team!

If I failed every time I went on a diet, I would think that this is how it works for me and that I will fail this time too, right?

Beliefs produce useful behaviors if they are empowering—and useless behavior if we build prisons within ourselves.

Customers who come to me often tell me, “I am overweight, and I want to lose weight, but...”

“It’s genetic.”

“I have big bones.”

“I’m not steady.”

“I like eating.”

“I’m bloated.”

“I’m greedy.”

“I don’t eat anything, yet I still gain weight.”

“Thin people are sad.”

“Thin people are nervous.”

“I’m menopausal.”

“I have a slow metabolism.”

“I am at the age where weight loss is difficult.”

“I don’t have time because I work.”

“I eat too much because I’m always at home.”

“I don’t deserve it.”

What are your beliefs, and how can you question them today? Identify your beliefs and examples that counter them that you’ve never noticed before!

I’ll give you some examples:

  • If a client says she can’t lose weight because she’s menopausal, I ask her if she knows other ladies of her age who have remained or gotten in shape in that precise physical condition. I then ask her what exactly those people do to maintain the right weight.

  • If a client tells me he’s fat because everyone in his family is fat, I ask him if he knows any friends who are skinny even though their parents are overweight.
  • If a client tells me that lean people are nervous, I ask him if he knows a skinny friend who is calm and nice, despite being a healthy weight.

The funniest situation happened to me a few months ago. A client lost a lot of weight but at one point tried to self-sabotage and return to her old behaviors by saying, “I’m sixty years old. Why should I keep the right weight at this age?” I answered her with another question: “Of course, you’re right. I thought you wanted to be healthy when you reached the fourth age and be able to take your grandchildren to kindergarten, didn’t you?”

What do you want to believe?

If I think it is difficult, it certainly will be, and if I think it is possible, it will be. I’ll still be right in both cases.

When our inner dialogue perceives a difficulty, our subconscious looks for proof that it’s true. For example, if I have a meeting at work with the boss and I tell myself it will be difficult, my subconscious will produce thoughts about the boss scolding me and recording my mistakes, and the fact that the previous meeting was difficult, so the next one will be too.

We put a filter in our head that allows us to see only the reflection of what we have decided to see. But luckily the same mechanism can be used positively!

If you want to buy a new car and decide on a red one, have you ever noticed how many red cars are driving about from that day onward? Like when we decide to have a baby and see so many pregnant women… or even worse, when we can’t do something and suddenly, we only see the people who succeeded!

We want to choose useful beliefs. I don’t care whether you believe me or what you have always believed, you just need to try to believe what is useful for you. We often think certain beliefs or thoughts are true only because we have thought of them many times, and therefore we simply recognize them.

What I believe or what you believe may be false, but you will be free if your follow a path that works best for you.

Rossella Tocco is an iNLP Center Neuro-linguistic Programming Master, Life Coach, Trainer and iNLP Center Italy Director. She has trained hundreds of people to lose weight without dieting, starting on the inside. Rossella has been sharing this method in Italy since 2015 with super successful results. Hundreds of people have lost excess weight and freed themselves of the “non-constructive” behaviors that they once connected with food. 

Could unresolved grief be stopping my happiness?

Could I have unresolved grief?

I pondered this thought some time ago and even wrote about it at the iNLP Center. My life was full of good health. The job that I had was I was satisfying. A network of friends that I loved was surrounding me daily. I was happy with my life!

Then suddenly, I would go to work and find myself irritated. The irritation went from mild to severe. I then found myself angry and sad. I began thinking, “what in the world could be causing this to happen?” 

I spent day after day trying to find the solution. Then, as if by magic, I heard the answer loud and clear. The music overhead was on a playlist of about 20 songs that looped over and over during the eight hours I spent at work.

One of the songs I heard each day at work that brought back a memory I had during a bad break up a year or so before. Then, the song that played right after it was a song played at my cousin’s funeral. 

How I managed the unresolved grief

I realized a couple of things. I thought about how I never faced this unresolved grief and planned to resolve it. It then occurred to me that I had unintentionally created an attachment to the songs with a meaning that was not resourceful to me. 

I asked myself, “Could a song from my past honestly create these kinds of feelings?” The answer to this question is yes. We all experience life in our way. People attach meanings to their experiences intentionally and unintentionally. 

These attachments are called anchors. Once I recognized these anchors that I attached to the songs, I was able to make peace with the past, allowing the negative feelings of anger and sadness to go away. As a result, things significantly improved.

It is important to learn all you can about unresolved grief and how to properly manage it. Your irritation, anger, or sadness could be turned into happiness and fulfillment. All you must do is take the steps to learn how to and your world could be forever changed.

Giving Up On Finding a Woman? Good for You!

Dear Men,

If you’re giving up on finding a woman, you’re warming up to greater self-respect. And that self-respect has nothing to do with women. Let me ‘splain.

From a confident (and compassionate) man’s perspective, there is a right way and a wrong way to approach the opposite sex. Perhaps the first to mention it in the modern era is Sam Keen, author of the men’s bestseller Fire in the Belly.

It boils down to this: Most heterosexual men are looking for a woman to go with them on a journey when they should just go on the journey and see who they meet along the way.

Make sense? Here’s another way to say it:

Wrong

  1. Find a woman
  2. Figure out a direction in life you both agree on
  3. Begin your journey together

Right

  1. Figure out direction in life
  2. Get moving in that direction
  3. See who you meet along the way, including women

The wrong way is wrong for several reasons and if this has anything to do with why you’re giving up on finding a woman, good for you indeed! Get focused on where YOU are headed in life. As a man, there may be NO MORE IMPORTANT thing for you to figure out.

As you proceed in your individually chosen direction – toward your own goals – you will meet people along the way – people who support your direction. Statistics suggest:) that many of these people you meet along the way will be women. Other stats suggest some of these women will be single. See where this is going?

So, use your curiosity. Figure out YOURSELF before dragging someone else into your drama.

The Hardest Part of Parenting

The hardest part of parenting it’s not when your kids disobey you. It’s not watching them fail I’m picking up the pieces afterward.

Parenting isn’t difficult because it takes a lot of time cost a lot of money and requires sacrifice. Parenting is difficult because ultimately your children are going to reject you.

Psychologists call it individuation.  Most parents experience it as rejection.  For a child to grow into an adult, individuation is a critical phase. During that phase, your status as a parent is going to be downgraded in the eyes of your child.  There’s no escaping this downgrade.  And it’s going to hurt most likely.  But that’s okay, right?  After all, children need to grow up!

For the most part healthy parents sit back watch their children individuate cheering them on hoping for the best and supporting as much as they  dare.  In some cases however a child’s need to individuate takes them to dark places. 

It is in these examples that parents truly suffer.  The favored status you had with your child; whatever credibility you enjoyed is out the window.  Meanwhile, your children are viewing you as the enemy of their independence, well-being, success, and sometimes sanity.

It is during these times that many parents turn or return to therapy or life coaching.  In most cases what happens next is a simple reminder:  This happens to everyone. 

A life coach or counselor who practices the appropriate mindset for healers will be able to deliver the news gently and support the individuation process.

Even the best parents must learn to let go and set their children free.  Part of that process is recognizing that your parental wisdom is now seeing as tomfoolery by your beloved child.

And that’s how it works.

Email Coaching for Bulimia

A client with bulimia emails:
I’m bulimic and I’m totally fucked. I can’t stop. 
The coach replies:
A quick question: What’s your goal – is it about weight or bingeing/purging? Or something else?
A comment
You’re not totally fucked. A part of you believes and feels you’re totally fucked. But at least one other part of you still has hope, otherwise you wouldn’t have reached out to me or be involved in any recovery protocol. Do you agree? This means you’re in conflict, which is better than being 100% fucked.

 

Try this: Picture in your mind’s eye the part of you that says you’re totally fucked and tell me what you see.
Read the full article here:

Asking the Right Questions

Life coaches ask questions – that may be the most important part of our job.

Why are questions so important?

Because they spark curiosity and creative thinking. When you’re stuck, curiosity and creativity are necessary ingredients to moving out the rut. No curiosity or creativity = no new ideas. No new ideas? You stay stuck. We could as far as to say that curiosity and creativity may be ALL YOU NEED to get out of whichever rut you find yourself in.

We aren’t going that far:) Yet it’s worth considering. And asking provocative questions is the best way to spark these particular states of excellence.

A Biased iNLP Center Review

Here’s an iNLP Center review to inspire skepticism because it’s written by a co-founder of the school. Put on your skeptic’s hat and read on!

What is the iNLP Center?

The iNLP Center is an online and blended learning NLP certification and ICF accredited life coach training center. You can check out the neuro-linguistic programming and life coach certification offerings here:

Life coaching certification:  Life Coach Certification Online | Affordable and Accredited

NLP training and certification: The World’s Leading Online NLP Training & NLP Certification Institute

If you’re interested in knowing what NLP is: What is Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP and Why Should you Learn It?

iNLP Center was co-founded in 2011 by Mike and Hope Bundrant. Mike is a master NLP and life coach trainer with over 25 years experience teaching in multiple countries. As of this writing, iNLP has students in 73 countries worldwide.

Blended learning refers to a combination of online independent study and live, virtual classes.

iNLP Center Review

Well, you can check out the iNLP real student reviews if you’d like.

 

 

I Can’t Do Anything Right

I can’t do anything right!

These were the first words that came out of a recent client’s mouth at the start of a life coaching session.

You can’t do what right, specifically? I was relying on my NLP training (the good ole meta-model).

Well, he started a list, counting on his fingers and needing to recycle the process a few times. Like I said, I can’t do anything right. I can’t make my wife happy. Hell, I can’t even make myself happy. I don’t eat right. My appetite is out of control and no matter how I resolve to fix it, my gut has a mind of its own. 

I can’t do anything right. I can’t sleep. I can’t get up on time. I do make a lot of money, but I’m not satisfied, even though I’m in the top 5% of income earners. I tried practicing gratitude, but I can’t stick with it. I can’t do anything right! I can’t be consistent in anything…it’s like I can’t grow up. I’m a classic self-sabotager!

i cant do anything right

What would happen if you could do anything right?

The meta-model was still serving me well. If you can’t do anything right, then you must be – consciously or subconsciously – avoiding the outcomes with doing stuff right. Right?

I don’t know. My client sat back for the first time, contemplating.

If I could do things right, I guess I’d have to stop making excuses. I’d have to buck up and make some sacrifices. And stop complaining about things I don’t want to do.

And if you did that?

Well, I’d be much happier. Hm. I guess part of me doesn’t want to be very happy. I can’t do that right, either. 

He was stuck in a quandary. Give up self-indulgence, impatience, and doing whatever he felt like vs. growing up and exercising some self-discipline. And what about the claim: I can’t do anything right? It was starting to sound like a lie. You know, an excuse – playing the helpless card so that he’d be able to continue being as helpless as a child.

Are you willing to do things right?

You know, give up the helpless child story and make sacrifices. Eat disciplined. Exercise. Get up early and doing everything you can do sleep well. Start paying attention to your wife. Be a man. You see, even though you say – I can’t do anything right – you can. You’re just not willing. You have not decided to take that level of responsibility.

Instead of saying I can’t do anything right, start saying: I am not willing to do anything right. 

He sat back again, tilted his head back, and stared at me. He was trying to decide whether or not to get defensive and annoyed, writing me off as another life coach who didn’t know what the hell he was doing. I waited. He caved.

You’re on. I’ll just tell myself the truth from now on. What can it hurt? 

I never saw the man again, but I’ve often wondered if he kept it up, telling himself the truth about his little helplessness game. And if he did, what were the results? Did he step up and start putting in his best efforts? Or did he cave into self-indulgence and continue through life bitching about how incompetent he is?

5 Clever Ways to Say No Without Being Mean

Focusing is about saying no.
~ Steve Jobs

We need to learn the slow yes and the quick no.
~ Warren Buffett

And there you go. People say yes too often because they believe saying no will hurt someone’s feelings or cause a backlash. And….then these yes-people tend to become resentful and passive-aggressive. Fun:)

No. No Thanks, No Way. H*ll No! I don’t want to. Absolutely not.

These are all not so subtle ways to say no. Saying no can be hard. According to Psychology Today, there are many reasons people shy away from saying no. Below is a short list of reasons:

Do not want to hurt or disappoint someone.
Desire to be unique.
It’s harder for women.
Want to fit in.
Fear conflict.

There are many other reasons we may say no. From wanting to get a head at work to trying to win that date, saying no can be downright hard. But, sometimes when we say yes, we give our power and energy to things that don’t matter. That can hurt us by causing stress and leaving little time for self-care. But, how do you say no in a nice way so you do not burn bridges along the way? We are glad you asked! Boost your communication skills by checking out these five ways to say no nicely.

If you’re interested in why communication skills are so important, you should read this summary of the most important research:

The Importance of Communication Skills [Top 10 Studies]

1. You Have a Full Calendar

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Sometimes you can make yourself unavailable by using the calendar as your aid. This can work for long or short term asks. For example, if someone asks if you can help them with a task right away, you can simply tell them you have something scheduled and you are unavailable. This is not saying no directly. This is letting the person know you are not available on a whim or when they need you because you plan ahead and are busy.

2. Redirection

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Sometimes it is a matter of pointing the person to another resource. This tells them you are not the person to always ask for advice or whatever it is people are asking of you. For example, if someone asks for help with a software issue, you can direct them to the help desk. You are saying no, but offering an alternative solution, which is a nice way to say no.

3. Be Aloof

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Think of someone you know who is aloof. They are perhaps bright and capable, but somehow hard to pin down. This means they are not your first go to person when you need something. Try being aloof. Another term commonly used for this is called fogging. Simply using phrases like “That’s Possible’” or “Perhaps’” can seem vague, but it is a way of saying no and creating a fog of confusion around the person asking for something so they will not be able to get what they need because they cannot pin you down. You are not saying no, but you are not saying yes either.

4. Pause for a Breath

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Sometimes it is going to be a situation where there could be some consequences to saying no. In situations like this, you will need to ask for time to consider your choice. Then, really think about the consequences of your no, including pros and cons. Also you can talk to a mentor or friends. Once you make that decision, it is not something that you are going to do with all the information from your thinking in mind, you can let the asker know you are unable to because of a higher priority. They do not have to know what it is or why. You can state it is a personal matter.

Once you make that decision, it is not something that you are going to do with all the information from your thinking in mind, you can let the asker know you are unable to because of a higher priority. They do not have to know what it is or why. You can state it is a personal matter.

5. Just Say No

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Sometimes the nicest thing is to be direct and not mislead anyone. In some cases, the asker may appreciate honesty and prefer that to another tactic. In this case, saying no is the nice thing to do. It allows the asker to find the resource they need elsewhere. You have to know the asker’s personality. And you can always ask if they want a direct and honest response.

There you have it! Saying no can be scary for many reasons, but it does not have to stop you from taking care of you. With these five ways to say no in a nice way, you can make time for the more important things in your life.